Premarital and Couples Counseling: What Is Their Relationship with Control and Power?

Marya Sirous
May 12
3 min read

Premarital and Couples Counseling: What Is Their Relationship with Control and Power?

Opening Quote

"Where control begins, love recedes."

— Gerald G. Jampolsky

Introduction

In romantic relationships, some behaviors may feel invasive, repetitive, even oppressive: testing, questioning, criticizing, imposing, blaming, guilt-tripping, sulking, cheating, worrying, forbidding, playing the victim, humiliating, or threatening...

These attitudes don’t appear by chance. They often reveal a wounded relationship with control and power.Understanding these dynamics is a chance to move from fear back to trust.

👉 Book a session in premarital or couples counseling: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Why do some people need to control everything?

According to cognitive and behavioral psychology, control is a protection strategy. The mind seeks to anticipate pain.

In the work of Daniel Kahneman and Aaron Beck, we see that past emotional wounds leave unconscious traces in the form of limiting beliefs:

“If I don’t monitor, I’ll be betrayed.”
“If I don’t control everything, I’ll be abandoned.”
“If I’m not perfect, I won’t be loved.”

What may look like jealousy or aggression is often a survival mechanism in the face of fear.

Control becomes an illusion of safety. But that illusion prevents love from flowing.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps uncover and transform fear-based behaviors: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 1: Christina and François

Christina constantly doubts herself. She doesn’t trust her ability to meet her emotional needs. She expects others to fill the emotional void, giving her partner immense importance.

But because she fears losing this importance, she tries to control François by constantly criticizing him. She puts him down so she doesn’t feel inferior, going as far as threatening divorce during every argument.

“She wants me to love her, but every day she tells me I’m worthless. I feel lost, and yet I care about her.” — François

The paradox is painful: Christina longs for love, but her fear of rejection dominates. She attacks to protect herself.

In counseling, we worked on both Christina’s abandonment wound and François’s emotional boundaries.

👉 Are you in a relationship where fear masks love? Let’s talk: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 2: Elena and Marc

Elena is smart, social, and organized. Marc is creative, but highly anxious.

He doesn’t yell. He doesn’t criticize. But he questions everything:

“What time exactly are you leaving?”“Who were you with?”“Why didn’t you respond right away?”

Marc lives with a constant fear of being left out. His control strategy is anxious questioning.

At first, Elena found it flattering. Now she feels suffocated. She responds with silence or withdrawal, which increases Marc’s anxiety—a vicious cycle.

Together, we identified the roots of Marc’s fear: the fear of being invisible and betrayed, deeply rooted in his family history.

Marc has started building inner security and learning to ask for attention without demanding it.

👉 Couples counseling helps break cycles of toxic reassurance: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Psychological Analysis: Power and Attachment

In attachment theory (Bowlby, Hazan & Shaver), controlling behaviors are linked to insecure styles:

Anxious attachment leads to monitoring, fear, and testing
Avoidant attachment leads to withdrawal and refusal to engage

Psychologist Harriet Lerner calls this “the dance of fear”: the more one clings, the more the other pulls away.

And as Byron Katie reminds us: “We cannot control others, only our own minds.”

👉 Book a session to explore your relational patterns: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Concrete Practices to Try

Make a list of controlling behaviors you use (or suffer from)
Identify the fears behind them: betrayal, abandonment, inferiority...
Express fear without blaming:
“I’m afraid you’ll forget me when you’re with others.”
Create shared moments of unstructured joy
Seek support if these patterns run deep

Control is often a silent cry. Premarital and couples counseling can turn it into honest dialogue.

👉 Book your session here: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Inspiring Conclusion

In a couple, trust is a gift you build together.

When control takes over, love often pays the price.But we can break free from these patterns—by recognizing them, naming them, and choosing to build a more conscious bond.

To love is to dare to trust—even when we’re afraid.