43 — The Abandonment and Instability Schema: Understanding the Fear of Losing the Other

Marya Sirous
Dec 12, 2025
3 min read

“Do not remain in the shadows of fear.For even the longest night holds the promise of dawn.”

— Mawlānā

43 — The Abandonment and Instability Schema: Understanding the Fear of Losing the Other

1. The Root of Emptiness: When Love Becomes Uncertain

The abandonment schema is one of the most painful among the early maladaptive schemas identified by Jeffrey Young. It develops in early childhood when a child experiences emotional connection as unstable, unpredictable, or conditional. This may result from a parent who is loving but absent, a family illness, a move, divorce, or simply inconsistency in emotional responses.

The child learns to fear loss and becomes hypervigilant. Even as an adult, they may experience relationships under the constant threat of rupture. They may become dependent, anxious, demanding, or, conversely, withdraw prematurely to avoid suffering.

2. When Fear Guides the Relationship

The abandonment schema acts as a distorting filter: every silence, absence, or decrease in attention is perceived as a prelude to rejection. The person may oscillate between excessive attachment and defensive withdrawal.

Often, they struggle to feel secure in the relationship and seek the other’s constant presence for reassurance. This can exhaust the partner, who begins to distance themselves, unintentionally validating the original fear of abandonment.

3. Three Faces of the Abandonment Schema: Case Studies

Case 1: Camille and Thomas — The Anxiety of Absence

(Heterosexual couple, ages 33 and 37)

Camille cannot tolerate Thomas being away on business. On every work trip, she sleeps poorly, feels abandoned, and checks her phone relentlessly. When he returns, she greets him with reproaches or hurt silence.

Deep inside, Camille relives the abandonment schema she internalized in childhood, when she had to guess her mother’s mood just to hope for a little affection.

In therapy, we identified the cycle of “lack — fear — accusation — withdrawal” and worked on internal stabilization. Camille learned to distinguish her present fears from those of the past. She began to express her needs without turning them into accusations, which allowed Thomas to remain present without feeling smothered.

Case 2: Mohammad and Jonas — Strength as Protection

(Homosexual couple, ages 35 and 38)

Mohammad grew up with an authoritarian father and a distant mother. He has always associated expressing needs with weakness. In his relationship, he therefore presents as strong, self-sufficient, even cold.

When Jonas asks for more emotional engagement, Mohammad becomes defensive, sarcastic, or avoids the topic. Yet deep down, he fears that Jonas will stop loving him if he reveals his vulnerability.

In therapy, we accessed his wounded inner child. Mohammad realized that his coldness was not indifference, but a survival strategy. He began to express, in simple words, his fear of losing Jonas. This emotional honesty—rather than pushing Jonas away—actually restored genuine closeness.

Case 3: Léa — Intense Attachment

(27-year-old bisexual, single)

Léa forms intense attachments to partners she meets. Each new relationship begins with an explosion of feelings. But soon after, she becomes anxious: if the other person responds less quickly or seems less invested, she feels betrayed. She alternates between fusion and sudden breakups.

In her personal history, love was conditional: her mother only showed affection when Léa was successful, cheerful, or useful. Today, Léa seeks in others the proof that she deserves to exist.

In sessions, we worked on emotional regulation and distinguishing present needs from old wounds. Léa learned to slow down, to self-soothe, and to name her expectations without dramatization. This helped her build more grounded relationships.

4. Understanding the Internal Mechanism of the Schema

When an element of relational life (absence, conflict, distance) triggers the fear of abandonment, three survival modes can activate:

The vulnerable child: panics, clings, or withdraws.
The protector: avoids feeling by fleeing or shutting down.
The critical parent: blames or judges the emotion: “You are too sensitive, you push people away.”

Therapeutic work strengthens the healthy adult: the part that recognizes the emotion, distinguishes past from present, and can make healthy requests in the relationship.

5. Concrete Practices to Calm the Abandonment Schema

Name the emotion: “I am afraid of being abandoned.”
Reassure your inner child: visualization, self-empathy.
Identify triggers: silence, tone, absence, etc.
Formulate a clear request: “Can you reassure me?”
Keep a needs journal: to know yourself better.
Cultivate inner stability: yoga, writing, walking, breathing exercises.

6. Toward More Stable Love

Healing the abandonment schema does not mean no longer needing the other; it means relating from a place of trust rather than fear. It is about integrating the understanding that love is not a guarantee against loneliness, but a living space of presence, freedom, and mutual growth.