Premarital and Couples Counseling: What Is Their Definition of an Ideal Relationship? And What’s Yours?

Premarital and Couples Counseling: What Is Their Definition of an Ideal Relationship? And What’s Yours?

Introductory Quote

“We don’t just fall in love with a person, we also fall in love with our idea of love.”— Alain de Botton

Introduction

From early childhood, each of us develops a personal vision of what an ideal couple should look like. Through observing adults, witnessing relationships around us, or being influenced by films, fairy tales, and songs, we shape a definition—often unconscious—of what a “successful” relationship means.

But when we enter into a relationship, these definitions can cause deep conflicts. Because what we expect from each other doesn’t come from a shared reality, but from two separate—and sometimes contradictory—inner worlds.

Why do we all have a definition of the ideal couple?

The human brain works through categories, patterns, and emotional memories. From childhood, it records the dynamics it observes:

• in our parents’ relationship,

• within extended families,

• through social interactions,

• and in popular culture.

Some people will seek to reproduce their parental model, while others will do everything to avoid it. Sometimes, the definition is vague—but we clearly know what we don’t want.

This “programming” is so powerful that it influences our partner choices, our expectations, frustrations, and even our breakups.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you identify and update your inner models: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 1: Parissa and Bernard

Parissa and Bernard have been living together for 7 years. They’ve decided to get married, but this decision brought deep tensions to the surface.

Parissa grew up in a calm, respectful, and discreet home. No one raised their voice, emotions were rarely expressed, and life was organized, moderate, and predictable. For her, an ideal couple means:

• being two responsible adults,

• respecting each other without clashing,

• sharing responsibilities,

• spending quality time with family,

• maintaining a discreet and serene balance.

Bernard, on the other hand, grew up in a chaotic home. After his parents’ divorce, he became his mother’s emotional anchor, without any stable emotional structure of his own. He grew up driven by action, urgency, and a need to be seen. For him, an ideal couple means:

• doing everything together,

• laughing, going out, taking on projects,

• being each other’s center,

• constantly feeling seen and appreciated,

• and above all, never staying silent.

When they realized that their definitions of an ideal couple were different—but not opposing—they could finally meet halfway. Parissa learned to express more, Bernard learned to listen without demanding.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you explore each partner’s ideals to build a shared reality: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 2: Sofia and Andreas

Sofia is Greek, Andreas is German. They met in Amsterdam, where they’ve lived for the past 3 years.

Sofia comes from a very close-knit family. Her parents do everything together. For her, the ideal couple involves strong emotional and physical closeness: sleeping wrapped up together, eating together daily, calling each other several times a day.

Andreas grew up in a more independent household, where everyone had their own space. For him, the ideal couple means respecting autonomy, having personal activities, and giving each other freedom. He loves Sofia deeply, but needs time alone to recharge.

They often argued: Sofia felt rejected, Andreas felt suffocated. Until they understood that they weren’t “loving wrong” but were simply trapped in inherited definitions of love.

Today, they’ve created an “emotional agreement,” where each can express their needs without the other feeling guilty.

👉 Do you have two different views of a relationship? Premarital and couples counseling can help them communicate: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Psychological Insight: The Ideal and the Real

According to psychologist Carl Rogers, distress often comes from the gap between the ideal self and the real self. The same applies to relationships. If our ideal is too rigid, it becomes a source of constant frustration.

Research by Sue Johnson shows that 80% of relationship conflicts stem from unspoken expectations.

Love alone is not enough. You also need to know what each person means by “loving.”

Premarital and couples counseling helps you ask the essential questions:

• What do I expect from a relationship?

• Do I express it clearly?

• Is it realistic?

• Is it compatible with my partner?

👉 Book your session here to clarify your relationship ideals: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Concrete Practices (Solo or With Your Partner)

• Write down 5 things you consider essential in a relationship.

• Ask your partner to do the same—without discussing it in advance.

• Compare your lists: What overlaps? What differs?

• Talk about your family models: What did you love? What did you want to escape from?

• Together, create a shared definition of the relationship you want to build.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you create a custom-fit relationship: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Inspiring Conclusion

There is no single definition of the ideal relationship. There are two stories to be heard, two worlds to welcome, two dreams to make compatible.

A couple isn’t a model to follow—it’s a work of art to be created together.

To Reflect On

“Love doesn’t mean looking in the same direction, but building together what each holds in their heart.”— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry