Article 26 – Premarital and Couples Counseling: What Are Your Respective Dreams? Even the Most Unrealistic Ones?

article 26: Premarital and Couples Counseling: What Are Your Respective Dreams? Even the Most Unrealistic Ones?

"Men do not die from not fulfilling their dreams, but from not having lived them."

— Miguel de Unamuno

Why Talking About Dreams Is Vital in a Relationship

In the early stages of a relationship, we share simple pleasures, short-term plans, or life anecdotes. But very quickly, a deeper realm appears: the world of profound, sometimes secret dreams — often dismissed as “unrealistic.” These dreams, even the most inaccessible ones, shape our identity, aspirations, and worldview.

In premarital or couples counseling, addressing individual dreams becomes a powerful tool for communication. Why? Because dreams reflect the soul. Welcoming them means welcoming the whole person, without reducing them to “reasonable” or “adult” goals.

Case Study 1: Alice and Matthieu – Travel the world… or open a bookstore?

Alice, 32, a French teacher, has always dreamed of cycling around the world. Matthieu, 35, an accountant and homebody, dreams of opening a small bookstore in Bordeaux, their hometown.

During their premarital session, they discovered that both feared holding the other back. Each believed their dream was incompatible with their partner’s. In reality, their love was vast enough to accommodate two different timelines: they planned a year of travel, followed by co-founding the bookstore — with a travel section.

👉 What they learned: Dreams aren’t always opposing. They can coexist or even enrich each other — if expressed freely and without judgment.

Case Study 2: Mehdi and Julien – The childhood dream left unspoken

Mehdi, 40, a Frenchman of Algerian descent working in real estate, had never shared a crucial part of himself with Julien, 38, his partner and project manager: his childhood dream was to become a writer.

One evening, during a major relationship crisis, Mehdi confessed he felt extinguished, misunderstood. For 20 years, he had never dared to speak of this dream, fearing ridicule or dismissal.

Julien, deeply moved, realized that his habit of “rationalizing” had killed the space for non-profitable desires. They decided to dedicate Sunday mornings to Mehdi’s writing — two hours each week, with Julien’s full support and encouragement.

👉 What they discovered: Honoring a dream doesn’t mean achieving it on a grand scale — it means making symbolic and legitimate space for it in the couple’s daily life.

Dreams: A Secret Language Between the Unconscious, Identity, and Desire

Unrealistic dreams are not whims. They symbolize what we long to experience internally. Dreaming of flying might mean craving autonomy. Longing to be an artist may express a need for a freer, more vibrant life. In humanistic psychology, dreams are echoes of self-realization.

A couple that never speaks of dreams risks falling into a routine devoid of meaning. On the contrary, couples who share their deep — even wild — desires, develop rare and lasting emotional intimacy.

In therapy, listening to your partner’s dreams is a way to meet the most alive and vulnerable part of them.

Practical Activities for Couples

1. The Dream Box

Each partner writes 5 dreams (wild, soft, childish, or daring). Fold them and place them in a box. Every week, draw one and discuss it — with curiosity, not judgment.

2. The Micro-Dream Journal

Note small daily wishes like “I’d love to walk barefoot in the forest.” Share them at the end of the day to build intimacy.

3. Listening Ritual

Each month, dedicate quality time to the question:“What dream has grown or changed in you this month?”

Theoretical Foundations: Why Dreams Matter So Much in Love?

🔸 1. Abraham Maslow – Self-Actualization and True Love

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, self-actualization sits at the top — the need to express one’s true nature, creativity, spirituality, or passion.

Preventing a partner from dreaming or growing holds them back from completeness.Premarital counseling becomes a sacred space to explore personal fulfillment without alienating the other.

🔸 2. Carl Rogers – Unconditional Acceptance of Individuality

Carl Rogers, pioneer of humanistic therapy, emphasized empathetic listening and unconditional acceptance. A dream — even utopian or strange — needs no justification. It’s an intimate echo of one’s identity, often tied to old wounds or deep desires.

Welcoming dreams in a couple, without ridicule or rationalization, creates a secure, evolving space where one can say:“This is what makes me come alive — even if I’ve never told anyone before.”

🔸 3. Gaston Bachelard – The Right to Dream Within Intimacy

Philosopher Gaston Bachelard, in The Poetics of Reverie, suggests that dreaming isn’t escaping reality — it’s inhabiting it more deeply.A couple that no longer dreams becomes functional, but not nourishing.Those who share their dreams build a poetic, inspiring, and alive relationship.

True intimacy is not just in daily routines, but in sharing what remains invisible to others: our secret aspirations.

🔸 4. Jean-Claude Kaufmann – Dreams as Catalysts for Reinvention

Sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann explains that while couples fall into routines, individual or shared desires are engines of renewal.Dreams, even unrealistic ones, allow for healthy differentiation — they prevent fusion or self-erasure.

Recognizing your partner’s dream means recognizing their uniqueness and autonomy — while co-constructing a shared path.

🔸 5. Systemic Approach – The Dream as a Regulating Force in the Couple

The systemic approach sees the couple as a dynamic system. Any personal shift affects the whole.If a major dream is repressed, tension, imbalance, or even symptoms (anger, withdrawal, loss of desire) may arise.

Welcoming dreams helps the system remain flexible and alive — like humor or creativity, dreams release emotional pressure and foster adaptation.

Conclusion: Love as the Space Where Dreams Can Breathe

A couple doesn’t need to share every dream — but it must be a space where they are welcomed, encouraged, or at least not crushed.

An unspoken dream often turns into a future reproach. A spoken dream becomes an open door to the other’s inner world — and to a deeper relationship.

To Reflect On

"Where there is no dream, there is no courage. And where there is no courage, life becomes very small."

— Robin Sharma