Article 20 – Premarital and Couples Counseling: Do You Know Why Their Last Relationship Didn't Work? And Yours?

Article 20 – Premarital and Couples Counseling: Do You Know Why Their Last Relationship Didn't Work? And Yours?

Introductory Quote"

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

— George Santayana

Introduction

Today, it is rare for a couple to form from a single, lifelong relationship. Yet every romantic journey, even brief, carries a precious lesson.

In the context of premarital and couples counseling, one question often arises: Why did your past relationships not succeed? And why didn't theirs?

This is not about assigning blame or guilt, but about understanding.

Understanding:

• What we refused to accept about ourselves

• What we refused to accept about the other

• And how these refusals prevented a stable or lasting relationship

  
  

This article offers two case studies, an analysis grounded in solid relational psychology references, and practical exercises you can apply.

Case Study 1:

Gérard, 50 years old, disillusioned and angry

Gérard is a dynamic, smiling, cultured man, but deeply disappointed by his romantic experiences. He consulted me because, in his words:"I’ve had too many crazy, lying, dependent, or hysterical women. I’m tired of it."

Over the course of our discussions, two types of women emerged:

• Very autonomous women (he called them "butterflies") who made decisions without consulting him, traveled alone, and spent freely

• Very dependent women (he called them "anchors") who relied on him financially, emotionally, and seemed to "drain his energy"

Yet Gérard had never asked himself:

• Why was he initially attracted to these profiles?

• What was he refusing to accept about himself or about them?

He believed he was modern because he didn’t cheat or raise his hand against a woman. 😉But he couldn’t accept that an autonomous woman might want to exist independently of him. Nor could he accept that a dependent woman might not fulfill his emotional needs in return.

In reality, Gérard wanted an independent woman… but dependent on him alone.

He realized he was projecting his insecurities onto his partners and confusing mutual respect with emotional control disguised as care.

By reviewing each of his past relationships, he identified a recurring pattern: refusing to accept the other's complexity and trying to reduce them to a role.

Through emotional accountability work, he was able to dismantle his unrealistic expectations and begin a new relationship with more humility and curiosity.

In premarital and couples counseling, identifying your patterns helps you break free before you endlessly replay them.

👉 Book your session here: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 2:

Rachel, 38 years old, emotional perfectionist

Rachel is a brilliant, charismatic, and dedicated Belgian entrepreneur. She had several long-term relationships, but all ended with a feeling of bitterness.

"Every time, I think I can help him become the man he dreams of being. And in the end, I find myself alone, exhausted, feeling like I betrayed myself."

She often criticized her partners:

• For their lack of ambition

• For the way they spoke in public

• For their way of dressing or carrying themselves

But when we dug deeper, it became clear that Rachel didn’t want them to be perfect for her, but for the image she wanted to present to her family and friends.

In therapy, she admitted:"I feel ashamed of them when they are just themselves... and it makes me ashamed to feel ashamed."

Rachel had never learned to love without trying to correct. Her past relationships did not fail from a lack of love, but because she could not tolerate the other being different, vulnerable, or simply… human.

We worked on her own wounds of rejection and her need for external validation. Gradually, she learned to ask herself:

"Do I want him to change for his sake, or for my social comfort?"

Today, she is exploring a simpler relationship, without having to justify or prove anything to anyone.

Premarital and couples counseling helps identify what we project onto the other... and guides us back to a more authentic relationship.

👉 Book your session here: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Psychological and Theoretical Analysis:

Attachment theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth) shows that we develop relational styles based on early experiences:

• Anxious individuals may become controlling

• Avoidant individuals may withdraw and downplay conflicts

• Secure individuals accept differences without feeling threatened

Harville Hendrix’s work in Imago Therapy highlights that we unconsciously attract people who awaken our wounds... to either heal or relive them.

Finally, humanistic psychology (Carl Rogers) emphasizes the importance of unconditional acceptance of oneself and others as the foundation for healthy relationships.

By reviewing past romantic experiences with perspective, one can identify unconscious patterns, emotional resistances, and acceptance refusals—and thus avoid repeating the same mistakes.

👉 Book a clarification session here: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Practical Exercises to Do Alone or as a Couple

• Review your last three relationships: For each one, answer:

  • What did I refuse to accept about myself?

  • What did I refuse to accept about the other?

  • What did I try to change about him/her?

• Identify your patterns: Is there a recurring theme? A repeated dynamic? A recurring partner profile?

• Make peace with imperfection: Your partners weren’t perfect. Neither were you. And that’s a good thing. Love is not a reward for perfection.

• Discuss with a professional: An external perspective is often the fastest way to achieve emotional clarity.

Premarital and couples counseling helps you recognize what you need to transform within yourself, and what you need to learn to accept in others.

👉 Book your session here: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Inspirational ConclusionIt is not a painful past that prevents a beautiful relationship. It is the refusal to face it.

Every breakup, every frustration, every "failed" romance carries within it a seed of understanding. By listening to it, you open the path to a relationship that is more sincere, more conscious, and more enduring.

To Reflect On"

What I refuse to see in myself, I blame on the other."

— Carl Gustav Jung