32- Premarital and Couples Counseling: Do you prefer to grieve your partner forever, or grieve the expectations that will never be met in this relationship?

Marya Sirous
Jul 25
3 min read

Opening quote:

"What you do not want to see in yourself, you will find in others."

— Carl Jung

32- Premarital and Couples Counseling: Do you prefer to grieve your partner forever, or grieve the expectations that will never be met in this relationship?

Introduction

In every relationship, there comes a painful moment of truth: should you continue hoping your partner will change, or accept that some of your needs will never be fulfilled?

Grieving a partner means accepting the end of the relationship. But grieving your expectations means staying, and living with the reality—not the ideal you had created in your mind. This decision is never easy. It affects your self-worth, accumulated pain, fear of being alone, and the longing to be loved differently.

Premarital and couples counseling helps you dive into these questions: What is still worth waiting for? What can truly change? And what kind of suffering are you inflicting on yourself by holding on to an illusion?

📍 Book an appointment here: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

CASE STUDY 1: Myriam and Sofiane – He won't change his tone

Myriam grew up in a family where everyone spoke softly. Even in moments of conflict, voices remained low. For her, speaking calmly was a sign of respect.

Sofiane, her partner of six years, is the opposite. Expressive and passionate, he often raises his voice without realizing it—especially when he's stressed or excited. This often hurt Myriam, who perceived this intensity as aggression.

During couples therapy, they explored their personal backgrounds. Myriam came to understand that Sofiane’s tone wasn’t a lack of love or care—it was shaped by a more expressive family culture. She also realized that this trait would not fundamentally change.

She then faced a deeper question: Is she willing to let go of her desire for a soft-spoken partner, in order to accept a passionate and wholehearted man who loves her in his own way?

Lesson: Accepting your partner sometimes means grieving your own emotional and cultural conditioning.

📍 Couples counseling helps you understand what you can change... and what you must learn to accept: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

CASE STUDY 2: Djamila and Adrien – The invisible mismatch

Djamila and Adrien met in university. Ten years later, their inner journeys have diverged. She seeks spiritual depth, meaningful conversation, and quiet moments. He enjoys simple pleasures, friends, series, and lively weekends.

She feels lonely even when they are together. He thinks she's "too much in her head." They don’t fight, but they no longer connect.

In counseling, Djamila realizes Adrien hasn't abandoned her. He's simply not the man to walk this spiritual path with her. She's devastated. She had hoped he would awaken, grow, and meet her where she stands. But now, she must choose: grieve her expectations, or grieve the relationship.

Lesson: Two people can love each other and still be deeply incompatible in their core desires.

📍 Couples counseling helps put words to these vision differences: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Psychological insight: Why is this so hard?

We often cling to expectations because they give us hope. They make us believe change is possible, that one day our partner will understand, love us better, or become more aware.

But that hope can drain us. It turns us into watchdogs, fixers, or silent victims. Letting go of expectations means letting go of control. It means seeing the other person as they truly are—even if it's not what we want.

Letting go doesn't mean giving up. It means self-respect.

📍 Couples counseling helps you leave the illusion behind and make conscious choices: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Practical steps: What to do if you're torn?

Write down every expectation you have of your partner. Be honest.
Ask yourself: which are realistic, and which are fantasies?
Picture your life five years from now if nothing changes. Can you live with that?
Try rephrasing your expectation as a personal need: how can I meet this need myself?
Speak with a relationship counselor to clarify what to accept, what to transform, and what to release.

📍 With the right guidance, you can sort out vital needs from ego-based demands: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Conclusion

Staying in a relationship that no longer nourishes you can mean abandoning yourself. But leaving too soon can also be a way to flee your own projections. Between the two lies a braver path: clarity.

Letting go of expectations doesn't mean settling for less. It can lead to a deeper, more grounded, and responsible love. Sometimes, it’s the very act that allows the relationship to be reborn. Or for you to be reborn elsewhere.