29 – Premarital and Couples Counseling: Can You or Your Partner Express Your Feelings and Needs?

29 – Premarital and Couples Counseling: Can You or Your Partner Express Your Feelings and Needs?

Opening Quote“

What is not expressed gets imprinted.”

— Jacques Salomé

Introduction

In a couple, what is not said often ends up being expressed in other ways: fatigue, irritability, withdrawal, distance, blame… or outbursts. Many tensions do not stem from a lack of love, but from a lack of clear expression of emotions and needs.

Being able to express what we feel inside — without blaming, dramatizing, or staying silent — is a fundamental relational skill. And yet, few couples truly know how to speak to each other with clarity.

Case Study 1: Clément and Aïcha – The Unspoken Need

Clément never says when he’s not doing well. He’s kind, stable, hardworking… but emotionally closed off. Aïcha, on the other hand, is expressive, sensitive, intuitive. When he comes home in silence, she feels something is wrong. She asks, and he replies, “No, everything’s fine.” And she feels rejected.

She says: “I need him to share. Not to protect me by staying silent.”

Clément grew up in a family where emotions were never expressed. He learned that talking about his needs was bothersome.

During a session, he dared to say for the first time: “I’m afraid I’ll look weak if I admit I’m tired.”

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps to deconstruct false beliefs about vulnerability: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 2: Myriam and Hugo – Too Many Words, Not the Right Ones

Myriam talks a lot. Hugo says she "fills all the space." Yet she never feels truly heard. She expresses, explains, rephrases… but he remains distant and absent.

She says: “I talk all the time, but I don’t think I’m saying what really matters.”

In their dynamic, the need is drowned in a flood of words. And Hugo doesn’t know where to stand.

In session, Myriam realizes that speaking about emotions doesn’t mean justifying or arguing, but daring to name simply what she feels, here and now.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling transforms words into connection, not defense: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 3: Karim and Antoine – Distorted Emotions

Karim and Antoine deeply love each other. But whenever one expresses a need, the other hears it as a reproach.

Karim says: “When I say I need tenderness, he thinks I’m blaming him.”

Antoine feels invisible pressure. He says: “I don’t dare say anything anymore; I’m afraid of doing it wrong.”

The problem isn’t a lack of emotion, but the way it's received — filtered through fear or judgment.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling teaches you how to hear the other’s emotions without feeling guilty or attacked: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 4: Emma and Jonas – Extrovert vs. Introvert

Emma loves to share. She is outgoing, energetic, and loves talking with friends and family. For her, connection means emotion, presence, and community. Jonas, her partner, is more reserved. He needs a lot of calm and alone time — or time shared only with Emma. He rarely shows emotions and prefers silence to overstimulation.

Emma says: “Sometimes, I feel like I’m with someone who’s emotionally empty.”

Jonas replies: “I love her, but I feel overwhelmed. I don’t know where my space begins.”

For Emma, emotional expression is life. For Jonas, it’s exhausting. They’re not incompatible — but their needs clash.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you reconcile different temperaments without denying yourselves: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Psychological Analysis

According to Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), a feeling is an emotion, and a need is a vital energy. As long as they are not clearly identified and expressed, they turn into tensions or unconscious manipulation.

The difficulty in expressing emotions and needs often comes from:

• Upbringing (we were taught to stay silent)

• Fear of being judged, rejected, or ridiculed

• Confusion between needs and demands

• Lack of emotional vocabulary

Many couples love each other sincerely but suffer because they don’t know how to speak or listen to one another.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling gives you the tools to create a space for kind, honest expression: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Practical Exercises for Couples

• Choose a quiet moment to each answer: What do I most often feel in our relationship?

• Then: What do I need right now to feel good with you?

• Use the :

• 👉 “I feel… because I need…”

• 👉 Not: “You never do this” or “You’re always too…”

• Keep a shared emotion journal for a week: each day, write one emotion felt + a related need.

• Give yourselves permission to express even “unreasonable” needs — they often reflect deeper truths.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling teaches you how to express without blaming, and to listen without fleeing: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Inspiring Conclusion

Expressing a feeling is not complaining. Expressing a need is not demanding.

It’s opening the door to emotional truth in the relationship — the kind that makes the bond alive, respectful, and well-balanced.

Because you cannot fully love someone you don’t know how to listen to.And you cannot be truly loved if you don’t know how to speak your truth.

To Reflect On

“Unexpressed needs become expectations. And disappointed expectations become reproaches.”

— Anonymous