28- Premarital and Couples Counseling: When a Dependency (Substance, Person, or Habit) Creeps into the Relationship

Marya Sirous
Jul 8
4 min read

28- Premarital and Couples Counseling: When a Dependency (Substance, Person, or Habit) Creeps into the Relationship

Opening Quote"

That which you cannot give up, even temporarily, owns you more than you think."— Carl Gustav Jung

Introduction

In a couple, a dependency can go unnoticed... until it becomes an invisible obstacle. Whether it’s a substance (alcohol, cannabis, medication, hard drugs, sugar), a behavior (screens, work, shopping), or even emotional dependency on someone or something, the imbalance it creates always ends up being felt.

When one partner is no longer fully available—because their attention, energy, or emotions are absorbed elsewhere—the relationship suffers.

Case Study 1: Thomas and Nina – The Invisible Alcohol

Thomas loves Nina deeply. But he has a longstanding alcohol dependency. He doesn’t drink excessively, but daily, and always alone. It took Nina a while to realize it. He’s functional, kind, attentive… but emotionally absent. He no longer goes to bed with her: she goes alone while he falls asleep drunk, numbed.

She says: “He’s here, but not really here.”

What weighs on Nina isn’t just the consumption itself — even though sometimes it’s too much and he doesn’t remember the night before — but the emotional distance that alcohol creates between them. And the fact that Thomas, even in good faith, downplays how much space it takes in their lives.

The day Thomas agreed to talk about it without defending himself, a real connection reopened between them. For the first time, Nina felt seen in her emotions.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps name what’s taking up too much space between you: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 2: Sarah and Julien – The Digital Fusion

Sarah doesn’t drink, smoke, or take medication. But she can’t go a day without social media — often spending hours scrolling, watching, and commenting, even during meals or intimate moments. Julien feels pushed aside.

He says: “I can’t compete with her phone.”

To Sarah, it’s not an addiction — it’s "normal." Yet she becomes anxious whenever she forgets her phone or the battery dies.

It’s not the technology itself, but the emotional substitute it creates — a bond that replaces the real one.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps distinguish between habit and dependency: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 3: Kamel and Amandine – The "Calming" Cannabis

Kamel has smoked cannabis every evening for years. He says it helps him relax, sleep, and "deal with pressure." Amandine didn’t object at first. She even found him calmer.

But over time, she began to feel alone. Less heard. Less desired. He became more irritable, stressed, and negative. He’s unemployed, dreams of projects… but never follows through. The ritual became untouchable.

She says: “I feel like I’m in a relationship with a man… and his smoke.”

Kamel didn’t see a problem. But during a session, he admitted: “I numb myself so I don’t have to think.”

This awareness was the beginning of a real dialogue.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps identify what puts the relationship to sleep: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 4: Élodie and Max – Hard Drugs, the Invisible Intruder

Max has been using cocaine since college. Not daily, but regularly. He says he’s "in control," can stop anytime, and hurts no one.

But Élodie, his partner for a year, increasingly feels emotional distance, mood swings, and a lingering anxiety.

She confides: “I’m with someone brilliant… but I never know who I’ll come home to.”

The hardest part for her isn’t the drug, but the secrecy, the double life, and the feeling that cocaine has more impact on their bond than her own words.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling can be a space of truth to break isolation: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 5: Samira and Loïc – Invisible Family Dependency

Samira and Loïc have been together for two years. They love each other, but Loïc feels increasingly frustrated — as if he’s the “third wheel” behind Samira’s family.

Samira calls her mother multiple times a day, consults her sisters for every decision, and never sets boundaries with even the most intrusive family events. Sometimes, she cancels couple plans to be available for a relative, or shares intimate couple details without Loïc’s consent.

He says: “I feel like her life partner… but not her emotional priority.”

Samira doesn’t see a problem: in her culture, family is sacred. But over time, she realizes that her attachment isn’t just affectionate — it’s vital, fused, even guilt-ridden. She fears disappointing her mother, being excluded from the "clan," or seeming selfish.

It’s not that she loves Loïc less — it’s that she’s never learned how to draw a clear line between her family of origin and her own couple.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps separate natural love from excessive loyalty to build an autonomous and balanced relationship: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Psychological Analysis

According to behavioral psychology, a dependency — whether on a substance or behavior — often serves to numb pain or fill a void.

Different types of dependencies include:

• Substance dependencies:→ Alcohol, tobacco, sugar, cannabis, cocaine, ecstasy, benzodiazepines, heroin…

• Behavioral dependencies:→ Gambling, screens, work, excessive sports, compulsive shopping…

• Emotional dependencies:→ Excessive need for attention, fear of being alone, constant jealousy…

In a couple, these can result in:

Emotional loneliness, even when physically together
Eroded trust and emotional imbalance
Hidden tensions due to secrecy, control, or denial

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps distinguish what nourishes your bond… and what disconnects you: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Concrete Practices to Try Alone or as a Couple

List what you consume or practice daily: is there anything you can’t go without?
Ask yourself: is this a free choice or a disguised constraint?
Ask your partner:👉 “Do you ever feel like a habit or something takes up too much space between us?”
Try a 48h challenge: go without one automatic habit (social media, sugar, cigarettes, TV…)
In case of severe dependency, don’t go through it alone: therapy, support groups, and medical care can support your relationship journey.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling supports you with clarity, empathy, and without judgment: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Inspiring Conclusion

We often think of dependency as a weakness. But it’s more an inner signal — a gentle alarm calling us to look at what’s wounded, avoided, or forgotten.

In a couple, dependency isn’t always the end. It can become the start of honest dialogue, a path to transformation, if approached with truth, courage, and kindness.