25- Premarital and Couples Counseling: Were You and Your Partner Witnesses to the Love or Complicity Between Your Respective Parents?

25- Premarital and Couples Counseling: Were You and Your Partner Witnesses to the Love or Complicity Between Your Respective Parents?

Introductory Quote

“We love as we have seen love. Or as we wish we had seen it.”

— Serge Tisseron

Introduction

It’s hard to build something you’ve never seen. From childhood, we observe the relational models around us: our parents, close relatives, attachment figures. These models are not neutral — they become our unconscious emotional reference.

Some people reproduce them, others reject them. But few are able to speak about them consciously.

Three Unconscious Strategies Toward Parental Models

When one grows up in a strong emotional climate (positive or negative), one often adopts one of three postures:

• Repetition: copying what one experienced, thinking it’s “normal” or inevitable.

• Reversal: doing the exact opposite, even if it creates rigidity or conflict.

• Avoidance: refusing to fully commit, out of fear of repeating past wounds.

These strategies aren’t bad in themselves — but they can become traps if they are not made conscious and intentional.

The Impact of What We Saw (or Didn’t See)

For years, we were silent witnesses to:

• Acts of love or humiliation,

• Moments of complicity or cold anger,

• Tenderness or indifference,

• Support or devaluation.

Even ordinary scenes shape our internal map of relationships.They become our norm, our foundation.

If a child saw love expressed, they will seek it.If they experienced shame or rejection, they will fear it happening again.

👉 Book a session to explore these deep imprints:https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study: Yasmine and Philippe

Yasmine and Philippe have been together for three years. They love each other, but arguments are frequent. In our sessions, one element stood out: their parental models are opposites.

Yasmine grew up in a home filled with conflict. Her father was humiliating, her mother resigned. She learned to stay silent, to distrust, to protect herself. Today, she is very sensitive to tension: a harsh look or a critical word makes her freeze.

Philippe, on the other hand, grew up in a calm, affectionate household. He doesn’t understand Yasmine’s reactions. When he speaks with intensity, she shuts down. When he jokes, she feels attacked.

It’s not a lack of love. They simply don’t speak the same emotional language.

By identifying their family histories, they were able to understand their reactions. Philippe learned to express himself differently. Yasmine realized she was projecting an old story onto a man who is present and respectful.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you translate the past into the present:https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Psychological Insight

According to John Bowlby’s attachment theory, our early experiences with parental figures shape how we love.

Psychogenealogy (Anne Ancelin Schützenberger) reminds us that we often unknowingly repeat unresolved family patterns.

To know our parents’ story is not to judge them — it is to reclaim the power to choose differently.

👉 Book a session to better understand your relational dynamics:https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Concrete Practices to Try as a Couple

• Talk together about what you witnessed in your parents’ relationship — what touched, hurt, or marked you.

• Describe your ideal couple based on your wounds and dreams.

• Identify disproportionate reactions — they often stem from the past.

• Create your own rituals, without reproducing or rejecting inherited ones.

• Seek support if some patterns are too heavy to carry alone.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you heal your story to write your own:https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Inspiring Conclusion

We are the children of our stories — but also the authors of our futures.

Recognizing the impact of our parental models isn’t dwelling on the past. It’s stepping out of it, together, with clarity and compassion.

To Reflect On

“What we do not understand from our childhood, we repeat in our relationships.”

— Jacques Salomé