21-Premarital and Couples Counseling: Which Inner Voice Dominates—Parent, Adult, or Child?

Marya Sirous
May 9
4 min read

Premarital and Couples Counseling: Which Inner Voice Dominates—Parent, Adult, or Child?

Opening Quote

"We all have children, parents, and adults within us. Wisdom comes from the dialogue between these voices."

—Thomas Moore

Introduction

We sometimes say to a friend:"Stop talking to me like a parent!" Or hear a boss say: "Act like an adult. "Or a partner say: "You're reacting like a child!"

These phrases seem obvious—because we intuitively recognize these roles. But what do they really mean? And what happens when one of these inner states takes over in a relationship?

Transactional Analysis, developed by Eric Berne, and Freud’s concepts of the Id, Ego, and Superego help us understand this dynamic with clarity.

Understanding Ego States: Between Berne and Freud

Eric Berne, a Canadian psychiatrist, described three Ego States we all carry within us:

The Parent (nurturing or critical), who transmits rules, values, and boundaries
The Adult, who observes, analyzes, and makes autonomous decisions
The Child (free, submissive, or rebellious), who feels, plays, creates, reacts

These are ways of being and relating, not fixed roles.They shift based on the situation, and relational harmony depends on our ability to move fluidly between them.

Freud, on the other hand, described:

Id: unconscious drives (pleasure, desire, raw emotion)
Ego: conscious self, balance, decision-making
Superego: moral values, inner critic, inherited rules

Transactional Analysis and Freudian psychoanalysis converge on a key idea:

An imbalance among these internal forces affects our deep relationships—especially in couples.

Case Study 1: Nathalie & Drisse — A Couple Balanced Between Joy and Structure

Nathalie (50) is cheerful, relaxed, full of laughter.Drisse (45), more serious and organized, has been her partner for 25 years.

They come to see me not for relationship issues—but about their adult children, who refuse to leave home despite being financially independent.

Listening to their dynamic reveals remarkable balance:

Drisse embodies the Parent-Adult: planning, anticipating, reminding others of responsibilities
Nathalie expresses the Free Child: bringing creativity, spontaneity, and joy

Importantly, neither tries to dominate:

Drisse doesn’t criticize Nathalie’s carefree nature
Nathalie doesn’t mock Drisse’s seriousness

They know when to take the lead and when to step back.Their fluid dynamic creates a stable, inspiring partnership.

Their current challenge is how to pass this dynamic on to their children, who haven’t yet found their own internal balance.

Premarital and couples counseling can also help parents pass on healthy relational models to their adult children.

👉 Book your session here: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 2: Haruto & Elisa — When the Critical Parent Crushes the Free Child

Haruto (35), a Japanese engineer, lives with Elisa (33), a French artist.They love each other deeply, but Elisa complains:

“I feel constantly watched. Nothing is ever done right.”

Haruto feels overwhelmed:

“She lives without rules. It’s chaos. I have to keep correcting things.”

In their dynamic, two states are constantly clashing:

Haruto adopts the Critical Parent: judging, controlling, correcting
Elisa lives from the Free Child, but rebels when judged

The problem?They struggle to access their Adult selves—the space where conscious decisions replace reactions and blame.

With counseling, they learned to:

Name the state they’re in
Return to the Adult to create calm dialogue
Appreciate each other’s states instead of fearing them

Their relationship is now more peaceful, because they’ve learned not to dominate one another with internal roles.

Premarital and couples counseling helps couples step out of toxic psychological games and co-create a smoother relationship.

👉 Book your session here: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Psychological Insight: When One State Takes Over...

According to Eric Berne, when one Ego State becomes chronic or rigid, it saturates the relationship:

A partner stuck in the Critical Parent suffocates the couple
A partner stuck in the Submissive or Rebellious Child breaks equality and communication
A partner stuck in the Over-adapted Adult blocks emotional expression

Systemic therapy shows these dominances often lead to toxic relational patterns like:

Karpman’s Drama Triangle: Persecutor – Rescuer – Victim
Crossed transactions: one speaks as an Adult, the other responds as a Child or Parent

The goal?Regain internal flexibility.Learn to move between states depending on context, rather than staying stuck.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you identify your inner patterns and recover emotional freedom:https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Practical Exercises (Solo or as a Couple)

Identify your dominant Ego State: Are you often judging? Overly joyful? Coldly logical? Obedient? Always anticipating? Seeking instant pleasure?
Observe your partner’s state (without judgment): In conflict, decision-making, intimacy—who is speaking?
Practice “state dialogue”: Say “I feel like I’m speaking as a Parent now, but I’d like to return to my Adult.”
Create an emotional pause code: When dialogue spirals, use a keyword to pause, breathe, and return later with clarity.
Ritualize Free Child moments: Play, create, laugh together. It reconnects you to the joy in your bond.

Premarital and couples counseling helps break automatic roles and brings back a vibrant, conscious relationship.

👉 Book a session here: https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Inspiring Conclusion

We all carry within us a Parent, an Adult, and a Child.

The goal is not to eliminate any of them, but to learn to listen, balance, and activate them at the right moment.

A lasting relationship is built when each partner learns to:

Speak from the Adult
Love from the Free Child
Care from the Nurturing Parent

Because ultimately, it’s all about balance between the Parent, Child, and Adult.When each voice has its place, the relationship becomes a space of growth and peace.