27-Premarital and Couples Counseling: What Are the Topics Where You Feel You Don’t Understand Each Other? Or Only Understand Each Other After Some Time Has Passed?

27- Premarital and Couples Counseling: What Are the Topics Where You Feel You Don’t Understand Each Other? Or Only Understand Each Other After Some Time Has Passed?

Introductory Quote

“Between what I think, what I want to say, what I believe I say, what I actually say, what you want to hear, what you believe you hear, and what you actually hear… there are nine chances for us not to understand each other.”

— Bernard Werber

Introduction

In all couples, certain topics constantly feel like areas of misunderstanding. It’s not always about open conflict, but more about that persistent feeling that the other person “just doesn’t see things the way I do.” Sometimes, understanding comes later, once emotions have settled. But sometimes, it never comes at all.

This feeling of not being understood often leads to loneliness, frustration, or withdrawal. It can also plant deep doubts about the couple’s compatibility.

Case Study 1: Isabelle and Mehdi

Isabelle and Mehdi have been together for five years. Their love is genuine, but their daily life is marked by moments of misunderstanding. These moments don’t always escalate into arguments, but they leave emotional scars.

For example, Isabelle often expresses her need for alone time to recharge. Mehdi, on the other hand, interprets this as rejection. He grew up in a very close-knit family and doesn’t understand how you can love someone without wanting to share everything.

During a counseling session, Mehdi admitted: “In the moment, I feel hurt. And only later, sometimes the next day, I realize she simply needs space.”

This delayed understanding often creates confusion. But once identified, it becomes a foundation for improving their relationship.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you translate your different emotional rhythms.https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Case Study 2: Léa and Quentin

Léa and Quentin are young and deeply in love, but money-related topics create distance between them. When Léa talks about buying a house, Quentin shuts down. She believes he’s avoiding commitment. He feels pushed, cornered, and overwhelmed.

“I understand what she’s trying to tell me, but not right away. I need time to process,” he explains.

Léa experiences this as disinterest, even abandonment.

In reality, Quentin requires delayed processing: he understands, but only after some time to reflect. Their struggle came from expecting immediate answers on deep topics instead of allowing for that delay.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you adapt your communication to each other’s processing needs.https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Psychological Insight

According to cognitive psychology, each of us processes information differently: some react immediately, others need time to integrate.

The Palo Alto school also emphasizes communication context: it’s not just what we say, but when, how, and in what emotional state we say it.

Misunderstandings often don’t stem from the content, but from differences in timing, expectations, or emotional filters.

Finally, attachment theory shows that past wounds heavily influence how we perceive our partner’s words. A simple comment can trigger deep fears of abandonment, rejection, or judgment.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you untangle what belongs to the present and what belongs to the past.https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Practical Exercises for Couples

• Each partner identifies two or three topics where they often feel misunderstood.

• Ask yourself: am I looking for an immediate response or delayed listening?

• Clearly express your needs:

  • 👉 “I’m not ready to respond now, but I’m listening.”

  • 👉 “This topic is important to me, but I need time to think about it.”

• Accept that understanding may come with a time delay without mistaking it for indifference.

• Keep a small shared notebook: write down “unclear” topics from the month and revisit them calmly later.

👉 Premarital and couples counseling helps you create a shared language despite your differences.https://www.e-coach.fr/book-online

Inspiring Conclusion

A couple is not the union of two people who always understand each other instantly, but of two people who sincerely try to understand each other.

Recognizing that we function differently is already an act of love. Love is lived in the present, but understanding sometimes requires a little time.

To Reflect On

“Understanding each other is not about thinking the same way, but giving each other the freedom to reflect together.”

— Anonymous